Almost play-by-play commentary from ‘Alien: Covenant.’

Davin Wilson

9:35 p.m.: I’m in “Alien: Covenant” right now. I can’t tell you much about the movie yet because I’m in the middle of the dribble that’s the pre-game festivities.

9:40 p.m.: The Maria Menounos-hosted NCM’s “First Look” pre-game program is on now, supposedly giving me, and the other two people in the theatre, an inside look at all the hottest shows and movies. I’m thinking of going outside to smoke a cigarette, but I refrain, remembering my promise to make it through the entire flick without a smoke.

9:50 p.m.: “First Look” is still on. Damn, this is dragging on longer than “This is 40.” It’s making me feel like I’m Shelly Duval in “The Shining” running down the hallway as it gets longer and longer. Maybe those two creepy twins show up as well.

10:00 p.m.: It flips back to Menounos, and she thanks all three of us in the theatre for watching, then fades off the screen.

10:01 p.m.: Jingle music starts playing and a commercial flashes onto the screen. At first, I think it’s a Corona advertisement, but I’m disappointed to find out it’s a cheesy Coke commercial.

10:04 p.m.: The commercial fades to black, and the familiar sight of the green preview screen flashes across the screen. First, it’s a trailer for Charlize Theron’s new movie “Atomic Blonde.”

10:08 p.m.: Next up is “Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets.” Really? Another one of these. Just like baseball, nerds are starting to rule Hollywood. Already, I know this is the trailer for the world’s worst movie.

10:12 p.m.: “Flashback Cinema” is now playing. This is the most enjoyable of the three. Sorry, Theron, I do love your legs, though. Seeing scenes from “E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial,” Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” and “Monty Python & The Holy Grail” makes it almost bearable. I’m still ready to get to the action. I didn’t pay $10 for this crap.

10: 15 p.m.: The movie finally comes on.

This is the part where the time marks start getting a little hazy. Don’t hold me to any of these. In fact, I’m going to break everything down by the hour instead of the minute from here on out, with the exception of death scenes.

Somewhere between 10:15 and 10:59 p.m.:

The opening scene plays out like one of Ridley Scott’s sex orgies back in the seventies and eighties. There’s some really creepy stuff going on between David (Michael Fassbender) and his creator.

No time wasted dispensing with the drama. Stuff starts to hit the fan by the second scene. A neutrino burst damages the ship, burning up a lady sleeping in a pod, and killing the ship’s captain.

Fassbender makes his second appearance as Walter, a synthetic modeled after David, and the ship’s monitor. It’s creepy listening to Walter call the ship’s AI system Mother. Could they have come up with a less-creepy sounding name?

Oh, snap. The ship is dying. Billy Crudup, the ship’s new captain, inspires the crew to fix the ship with a Vince Lombardi-styled speech.

The crew receives a radio transmission signal from an unknown nearby planet. Crudup becomes convinced they must track the signal and go to the planet. Smart, yet cynical, crew member gives Crudup a lecture about how dumb it is to go to an unknown planet. Crudup refuses to listen. I guess when you’re cooped up in a ship with the same people for years at a time, any new face is welcomed. My guess, Crudup will be the first to die.

Ship sets out on its mission. It looks like a Lego Winnebago. Like the one featured in “Spaceballs.” Is this Mel Brooks merchandising, merchandising, merchandising?

Oh, snap. There’s a plane landing on water. Sully in the house!

First view of the unknown planet. Hoping there’ll be some “Kong: Skull Island” creatures that start eating them. I’d say about 20 minutes before the first death.

The first appearance of the alien. It looks so cute. Like a baby, digital tadpole. Stuff’s about ready to go down.

Mass invasion begins. Which one will be the queen? We’re not counting these as actual deaths as they have just been infected, not killed.

Creepy AI scene where Mother appears to take over the ship. Saxophones play what sounds like “When the Saints Come Marching In.” That’s not creepy.

 Somewhere between the times of 11 & 12 p.m.

Zombie alert! Man throwing up blood. Alien bursting out of his back. Creature is on the loose. The first person has died. It was 10:49 when I made my first death prediction and it’s now 11:04. That puts me five minutes ahead of my original 20-minute prediction.

First full grown appearance of the alien. I’m seeing some kind of 3-D “Alien” inspired roller coaster coming soon to Carowinds.

11:06 p.m.: Second person dies.

11:07 p.m.: I really need to stop typing and watch the movie.

Oh, snap. The two Fassbender characters appear in the same scene. Will there be a John Travolta/Nicholas Cage moment in store for us? And apparently, they are brothers.

David (Fassbender) teaching Walter (Fassbender) how to play the flute. No scene should ever include a brother telling his brother to finger the holes of the flute. Strange homoerotic, incestuous scene.

Movie starts getting kind of slow. I walk out to smoke a cigarette, but realize I left them in the car. I settle for using the bathroom.

11:27 p.m.: Woman gets bitten in the neck. The alien starting to mess around with DOA, he don’t play.

11:30 p.m.: First alien death.

Another creepy Mother reference. Apparently, Scott is trying to work out some mother issues.

11: 36 p.m.: David is the Mad Hatter. Another kill for the aliens.

11:38 p.m.: Actual gut-busting scene from the original flick.

 John Travolta/Nicholas Cage face-off scene. No violence yet. They are using words. Key phrase: Walter: “You know I can’t let you off this planet,” to David, his brother. Cain and Able moment.

11:46 p.m.: Actual Fassbender vs. Fassbender Face/Off moment, complete with a wonderfully choreographed fight scene.

Dutiful dangers of pre-marital sex eighties death scene. Characters killed off while having intercourse in the shower.

Why are there always so many planets in these things? Is NASA hiding stuff from us?

Don’t mess with David’s creatures.

The end.

 

 

 

 

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