How is it white people survive horror movies? Seriously, with all of our foolishness — staying in a house with bleeding walls, adopting devil children and taking extreme vacations to Chernobyl — it seems we should be getting chopped up faster than a city boy gets killed by a toothless banjo player while camping in the woods of West Virginia.
Somehow, though, we end up surviving not only the whole movie, but through three sequels — I’m calling you out, Sidney Prescott— despite making mind-numbingly stupid decisions. Of course, not every leading lady gets the Prescott or Laurie Strode treatment. They killed off Julie James in Last Summer 3-D or as Yogurt would say it: “The quest for more money.”
Even though James got the axe, it still took them three movies to kill her off, while Brandy and Mekhi Phifer got killed within an hour of I Still Know What You Did Last Summer.
If I had the choice of placing a $1 million bet on the majority of white characters surving a horror movie, then the Detroit Red Wings beating South Park’s pee-wee team, I would take the former in full confidence.
If white people’s chances of surving a horror movie were batting averages, then we’d be the Yankees of Murderers Row or the Baltimore Orioles 1970 squad.
However, like any great hitter or hitting team, we strike out a lot and do some dumb things to get ourselves killed. In that spirit, I would like to present my 10 guidelines to helping white people make better decisions in horror movies.
1.) Don’t check out a tree from which a man called Dr. Satan was hung from
This one sounds like basic common sense, but it’s not, considering that’s the beginning of the pain for four teenage protagonists in Rob Zombie’s House of 1,000 Corpses. Just enjoy the legend as told to you by a creepy clown and leave it at that.
2.) Look both ways before you cross the road
This piece of wisdom is important for those trying to escape. Even if you do have your dead husband’s face plastered on yours, make sure to look both ways before crossing the road. There might just be a semi-truck barreling towards you.
3.) Move out of that haunted house
So, your house is built on an Indian burial ground and demons have taken your son to “The Further,” but you just can’t walk away from your boss man cave. I get it. It’s hard missing out on something like that, but once the walls start bleeding and evil demonic women dressed like pilgrims start making appearances, it’s time to get the hell out of there. Just put the house on letgo and cut your losses.
4.) Stop investigating weird sounds
If Cheryl from the original Evil Dead hadn’t gone outside to investigate strange voices, then she could’ve avoided a intrusive encounter with a demonic tree and being dismembered by her own brother. When the Gates of Hell are closing in on you outside, just stay in the warm, safe comfort of your own house. Leave the investigating for The Hardy Boys.
5.) Watch where you’re going while being chased by a serial killer
Look, I get it. Some people — myself included — are clumsy and could trip over air. However, if you’re being chased by a serial killer who wants to wear your face as a Halloween mask, you need to be careful and look down every once and while. You should already know the writer’s might have it out for you and have placed twigs, rocks or intricate systems of tree roots in your path so you can fall. Look down every once and while.
Plus, don’t flail your arms while you’re running. It only throws you off balance. Have you ever seen Usain Bolt or Maurice Greene win an Olympic gold medal wailing their arms? Hell, no.
6.) Stop splitting up
We know you’re scared, but for the love of God, please think straight and stop splitting up. Stay together in one big group if you must go exploring. Have you ever heard the saying, “Strength in numbers?” You might as well just be walking around with walkie-talkies so you can say goodbye to your peeps before you’re brutally murdered.
7.) Run out the front door and not up the stairs while being chased
Look, having a Kevin McAllister zip-line running from your room to a kick-ass treehouse or panic room in the attic are the only acceptable reasons to run upstairs when being chased by a serial killer. Otherwise, take your monkey self out the front door. Hopefully, you were able to call the cops once the person broke in and deputy David Arquette will be waiting at the front door, holding the killer’s mask.
8.) Don’t let your significant other into your bedroom after being chased by said killer
If you’re significant other makes an appearance directly after the killer has left, do not let them into your room. You can’t smell something fishy about that? Don’t let down your defenses just because you’re scared and vulnerable. Be strong. Do you.
Plus, you shouldn’t be letting him or her in for a late-night booty call. Especially after agreeing on having a PG-13 relationship the previous night. Play hard to get. Just remember, 60 percent of the time it works every time.
9.) Don’t smoke weed while hiding in a closet from a serial killer
Okay, I don’t think anybody has ever done this in a horror movie, but I think it’s a damn shame. What better way is there do die than going out while smoking a doobie. However, make you sure you’re not in a closet where the killer can clearly follow the smoke trail and the sounds of your coughing. Plus, you’ll probably get clumsy and accidentally knock over a vacuum cleaner or broom.
However, there is an exception to every rule and in this case, it might be a good idea to smoke weed while being chased by Cujo. You’re high, so you’re bound to have some tasty treats on you to feed the beast.
10.) Do not play any tapes or recordings of the ancient Book of the Dead
Seriously, people? How about having some respect for the devil? Like my friend Scott would say, “Those idiots need to find Jesus.” Even if you don’t believe in God, it’s not wise to play with the Devil. Once you turn the tape recorder on and there’s some old dude speaking some Biblical language that nobody has used in over 2,000 years, turn off the damn tape, get out of the cabin and go back and get your safety deposit back.