Crime Never Pays

By Davin Wilson 

It seems when three cocky millennial burglars break into a house to rob an elderly blind Persian War veteran, that it should be an easy battle. What chance does the vet have? However, in Fede Alvarez and Rodo Sayagues’ Don’t Breathe, the vet has the upper hand. Here is a list of some of the lessons that can be learned from the movie.

Opening scene — Aerial shot of Detroit, Michigan. From what I have seen of the city from It Follows and Don’t Breathe, the city has become one hell of a depressing place since the Recession … full of dark gray skies and landscapes that resemble an industrial Dust Bowl.

First break-in scene — It’s already bad enough that you are breaking into somebody’s house. But desperate times call for desperate measures and from what we’ve seen of Detroit so far, it is a desperate place. However, if you have to break into somebody’s house, do not pee on the carpet. It is rude and you can leave behind DNA that the police can use to find you.

Money gets shorted by their fencer — Bosses can be difficult. They make you work on the weekends, bug you about TPS reports and short you out of hard-earned money. What do we learn from this scene? If you’re going to steal things, take cash. After all, it is hard for a fencer to sell hot Rolexes and other assorted jewelry.

Alex agrees to the plan to help his crush — Buying diamond rings that cost a year’s salary. Ditching all your friends to spend time with your girl. Breaking into an old man’s house to help the woman you love get enough money to leave Detroit. Women can be powerful motivators in leading men to do dumb things.

The gang on a reconnaissance mission — Money gets back into the car after collecting a camera he has used to track the old man’s movements. He looks at the gang and comments on how easy the heist is going to be. Whether you are going to a job interview or breaking into a man’s house, don’t get cocky.

Money holding the gun on the old man — Don’t try to ben gangster. Unless you are. And do not pull a gun — especially on a vet — it is futile. You will die. Also, do not bring a pistol to a robbery. It adds years to your sentence and makes it legal for the homeowner to shoot you in self-defense.

Old man finds their shoes — Wash your feet before you rob somebody so the person you are robbing does not smell your feet. And remember, blind people generally have exceptional senses of smell. Keep that in mind when robbing a blind person.

Rocky and Alex confront the dog — Right before they break in, Alex, Rocky and Money drug the blind man’s dog. The Rottweiler wakes up and makes an unexpected appearance later in the movie. The tip: If you are going to drug a dog make sure whatever you give it is enough to knock it out long enough for you to do your thing.

Rocky and the dog scene — Rocky and Alex are getting chased by the blind man and his dog and Rocky makes her escape through a vent. However, she leaves it open for Alex to make his escape as well. The lesson: If you are going to escape through a vent, make sure you close the door so the Rottweiler trying to kill you cannot get in.

Old Man and Rocky — Turkey basters are multi-purpose tools. Just do not use it like the old man does. It will get you a lengthy prison sentence.

Vengeance is bad — An eye for an eye just leaves a room full of blind men. Or, it gets you a mouthful of your own bodily fluids. Either way, just turn the other cheek.

So, what have we learned? Do not let a person’s physical traits fool you. Just because someone is blind or has a disability does not mean they are weaker, dumber or less capable than you. Also, Millennial’s we need to drop this cocky attitude and remember we are young and dumb compared to those who are older. And lastly, for the love of God, do not steal from people. It’s bad … Mmm … Okay.

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